Now that I have introduced you to the concept of the FA website, I can delve deeper into the arcana of attempting to administer a team via one of the tentacular arms of the website. This is an arm that, unsurprisingly, bears almost no apparent similarity to any other arm of the FA, and is called the Whole Game System. Because nobody would want a Half Game System, or even a Two-Halves Game System.
I'm fairly certain that you have to have performed a ritual sacrifice under a full moon while chanting ancient Sanskrit incantations to be allowed to actual register players with the Whole Game System. Which is perhaps why it is that the Club Official who is allowed to do so for our club is, well, venerable.
It also appears to be exactly the same system that is used for every level of English football. For instance, my own entry lists, in order of importance, my name, date of birth, and number of international caps.
Among the vagaries of the Whole Game System is the fact that once a player's name has been entered, it is cast in stone for all time. It is not possible for any changes to be made by our venerable Club Official. Instead, he must submit a request to the County Official, who may then have to escalate the issue to FA HQ at St Georges Park. Because I can't imagine them having anything better to do at the moment. And it's clearly unheard of for anyone to ever change their name. It's almost as the though the FA aren't aware of the concept of marriage, or the tradition many women still follow.
The immutable nature of names makes it all the more frustrating that venerable Club Official is not the most accurate typist. LittleBear, for example, has spent three years with a letter missing from his surname. Various other boys in my team have their names entered with no capital letters, or entirely in capitals, or in one notable case, changing from lower case to upper case half way through the forename, just after the letter "a". Anyone who's ever slipped onto the Caps Lock key knows what we're talking about here.
It took two days this week to have a letter added to LittleBear's name, but I have finally managed it.
And then I hit a more significant hurdle. One of my boys has changed his surname. He no longer wants to have his (estranged) father's name, he wants to use his mother's name. Utterly fair and reasonable, and relatively painless in other areas of his life. But with the FA?
The emails went something like this:
Me to Club Officer: My player has changed his name, what do I do?
Club Officer to County FA: Our player has changed his name. Shall we create a new player in the system?
County FA: NO! Never create a new player if it's someone who's played before! Send me the player details.
Club Officer: It's OK, I haven't created a new player, I was just asking. I don't know his details anyway.
Me: Here are his details.
Club Officer: Shall we create a new player now?
County FA: NO! NO! NO! How many times have I told you, never create a new player if it's someone who's played before!
Club Officer: Why are you panicking? I haven't done anything.
County FA: I've changed the name.
Club Officer: I can't find the new name in the system. Shall I create a new player?
At this point, I'm fairly certain I heard County FA's intestines climbing up his throat in an attempt to choke off the blood supply to his own brain. He certainly hasn't shown any signs of life via email. I don't really blame him.
I looked on the Whole Game System for my player. We now have two copies of him, both with the same, new, correct name.
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