Idiot cat is... an idiot?

Over the past year, IdiotCat has become accustomed to having us all at home. I'm not sure that he approves, but he has at least adjusted to our presence. If "adjusted" means that he spends any time when he's not asleep shouting at us. It is at mealtimes, however, that he has developed his most fixed habits. He is a big fan of mealtimes.

This is IdiotCat's schedule for a family meal:

• Follow person carrying plate of food from kitchen to dining room. Ideally position yourself just in front of person carrying plate, in the hope you will either trip them up or guide them to your own food bowl.

• Continue past the dining table to your own food bowl, and stare at the floor. When the plate fails to arrive, look around to identify where the person has taken the food.

Where did you take the plate?

•  Walk round the table, assessing where the best smells are coming from.

• Sit hopefully for a while before observing that the clinky-clanky noise is occurring when the people are banging the plates with metal sticks. Clinky-clanky noises mean it isn't time for IdiotCat to be fed. Unless the smell of fish or cheese is so overwhelming that IdiotCat cannot resist putting his paws up on the edge of a chair, hoping that his unbearable cuteness will cause a person to relent. The fact that no person has ever relented and fed IdiotCat is not relevant.

Unbearable cuteness

• When people fail to feed IdiotCat, it's time to guard the table, in case other cats spot that it's meal time. There are no other cats, but you can't be too careful. Spread yourself out as large as possible in the doorway, with your back to the dining table, watching the world and making sure nobody attempts to steal fish or cheese.

You shall not pass

• After a suitable length of time guarding the people and the food, it may be time to come and sit on a chair at the head of the table to assess the chances of stealing or begging food.

For me?

• When the clinky-clanky noise stops, it is time to beg at the big human's chair. The big human sometimes provides leftover gravy. It's worth begging for gravy even if the big human has been eating a cheese sandwich. You just never know.

You've finished?

With all this, you may be beginning to think that IdiotCat is not an idiot, and that he's got everything well under control. Well, think again. This week we had some unusually clement weather, and LittleBear and I chose to eat in the summerhouse. I treated myself to smoked salmon. IdiotCat is a big fan of smoked salmon, so was very keen to make sure he let me know this as I prepared lunch.

As we were taking the food out, I carried a tray loaded up with most things, and LittleBear carried a plate. A plate with only the smoked salmon on. Naturally, IdiotCat pre-followed LittleBear, straight to his food bowl. And he then failed to notice that LittleBear and the smoked salmon continued through the house, across the garden and into the summerhouse. Thus it was that LittleBear and I were able to eat our lunch in splendid peace while watching IdiotCat go through each stage of his mealtime ritual in turn. 

He walked round the table.

He guarded the doorway.

He begged at BigBear's chair.

There was no food. There were no people. He is an idiot.

Eventually he gave up, and mooched through the house. Then he spotted a butterfly to chase in the garden, and upon scampering after it, his nose twitched and he homed in on the smell of smoked salmon.

I know it's here somewhere

My poor cat is definitely not the brightest kitten in the barrel, but he does try. So yes, he did get a scrap of smoked salmon at the end of lunch. Because i'm just as much of a softie as BigBear.