On Sunday I completed the third full day of my training for becoming a qualified football coach. I now only have a handful of online modules and a "sign-off" session to complete. It was another day jammed full of physical exertion and new information, and in its own right was rewarding, taxing, challenging, interesting and fun. But I spent a good portion of it feeling somewhat unmotivated and demoralised. Not because I kept on landing on my arse when attempting to play against Real Football Players, though I did that a remarkable number of times. And not because our coach was able to find a very long list of areas we could improve in the session we ran, though she certainly managed that.
Among the many areas we were dealing with was the idea of creating individual plans and goals for each member of our team - not simply running training sessions that address a general principle, but working out how to draw some particular learning objective out for each player, whether that objective is a technical skill, a psychological strength, a social skill or a physical one. Not simply aiming to practice "defending" but making sure there is a challenge to stretch the players who are already excelling as well as those for whom defence is not their metier. Oh, and to always remember that we need to be age appropriate, and that it should be fun.
What can I possibly find in that to demoralise me? Other, obviously, from the fact that if I were to actually start trying to do all the things suggested I would pretty quickly end up with a full-time job on my hands. Or, indeed, I would start needing to run training sessions five days a week to try and cover every suggested aspect of football, instead of the one hour a week that we have. And if I did that, it wouldn't be long before there were no players left in the team as they'd be exhausted and fed up, as it would no longer be fun.
Being me, naturally anything vaguely challenging slathered on top of a bedrock of sleep-deprivation is simply Too Much, and my immediate reaction to everything that was thrown at me was to feel inadequate. It all feels too hard, requiring a level of understanding, empathy, clarity of thought, observation skills and coaching skills that I don't have, or don't know how to acquire.
On top of the overwhelming nature of the content, I also have to contend with my own psyche and its inability to function in the real world. Frankly, that's a considerably bigger problem. Let me explain...
For a start, my LittleBear's football team already has a coach, and I am only becoming qualified so I can help him. Coach is, rather alarmingly, young enough to be my son. He is full of youthful enthusiasm and yet possesses minimal tact. He is impulsive and excitable. He gets into a huff easily, and calms down easily. I, on the other hand, require almost constant reassurance that I'm not a complete failure. I don't take criticism well, and I'm more or less incapable of speaking up and saying, "I'm not happy with this situation." We are not obviously well-suited to working together, though get on well as general-purpose human-beings.
However, this mis-match in personality brings us to training and matches, where Coach runs things, and I meekly do as I'm told. And then, because he's young and bumptious, he'll bounce over and tell the boys I'm working with that they're doing things wrong. And in my mind, by implication, I'm doing things wrong. Add to this the fact that every training session and match has a built-in supply of spectators in the parents, some of whom have been Real Football Players, or Real Coaches, in a former life. Nothing engenders confidence in someone who is cripplingly anxious like having a helpful parent wander over and gently say, "Any time you want a hand, I'm happy to help out." Not exactly a vote of confidence is it?
I have, in the past ten days, driven home from both matches and training in tears. I have struggled to write this post, to try to put into words the warring factions within me of loving the kids and loving the football, but hating the responsibility and the self-doubt. It has involved a great deal of introspection to disentangle my own anxiety and low self-esteem from events that have occurred and decide what aspects were entirely inside my own head, and which I need to look outside myself to address. Being me, my initial reactions to any slight setback are utterly dominated by a self-pitying "woe is me" feeling. After several day's reflection I reach a more balanced viewpoint. I do need to talk to Coach about letting me at least try to do things my way, instead of instantly stepping in if he thinks he knows best. I do need to speak up with my own ideas and suggestions from my training, and not simply step back and be passive. But I don't need to take offence at things that are said without malice, or those that are said through a surfeit of enthusiasm and passion for the game.
Most of all, I have realised that if I am going to make any reasonable attempt to both do a good job of helping this little football team and not push myself to breaking point, I am going to have to put some serious work in on my own self-confidence. I can't afford to let volunteering break my spirit - for my own sake and for that of my wonderful bears, big and small. The team may need an assistant coach, but my bears need a wife and mother who is happy in her own skin and enjoying her life. At the moment I feel desperately, tearfully anxious that I will not be able to find the balance required to do both things.
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