Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Between a rock and a hard place

Is it possible to crave something with every fibre of your being and yet also be utterly unready to face it? You may think not, but I can assure you it is completely possible.

Having survived The Great Fever of 2017, and stumbled our way into half term, we've had to restructure our half term plans somewhat. Back when we were naive and healthy, BigBear was going to take LittleBear to The North to visit the rest of the Bear family, then a few days later, having had a Whole Day To Myself plus a couple of days at work, I was going to join them. I was then going to send BigBear to The South again, while proceeding Even Further North with LittleBear for a few days freezing our toes off having a lovely time in the Lake District.

Instead, here we all fester in The South, with me at home and BigBear at work. But, come Thursday, BigBear is going to take LittleBear to The North. And I'm going to stay here. On my own. Alone. With nobody else here. I'll have two days at work and then a whole Saturday to myself. I haven't spent any time at home, on my own, since LittleBear was born. I've only had a couple of nights away from him at all, ever. And I'm about to have three nights apart, and a day to myself. I'm almost giddy with excitement. And yet... and yet... and yet...

I don't want to miss my cuddles. I don't want to miss snuggling my sleepy little boy's head as I say goodnight. I don't want to be echoing round the house on my own, wondering if he's eating enough, wondering if he's happy, wondering if he needs his Mummy*. I'll miss the constant noise, the endless questions, the lack of personal space and boundaries as a small body swarms all over me. I know that letting go is part of letting him grow and be and develop and all that good stuff. And I'll get some extra sleep. But I'll miss him.

I want my own time and space.

I don't want to let him go.

I want to just be me for a couple of days.

I don't want to not hold him close when he needs a cuddle.

I want a chance to remember what it's like to be a grown up in my own home.

I don't want to feel lonely without my lovely boys.

I want to sleep without being woken by incessant coughing.

I don't want to wake and not have a little warm body come and squirm into my arms.

See? I told you it was possible to want something and desperately not want it at the same time.

* He will, he will and he won't, in that order.

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