Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Too much and not enough

I have too much to do.

Too much Christmas.

Too much work.

Too much small boy.

I have too little time.

Too little sleep.

Too little organisation.

Too little energy.

Mostly, I am totally and massively overwhelmed at work. I am drowning under a large project without enough help. A year ago, one of my colleagues left, and we didn't exactly replace him. We employed two extra people, but neither of them were to take over any of the design or more complex debug that said colleague used to share with me. So, for the past year, despite only working part-time, I've been doing my own job plus a large chunk of his job. And now another of my colleagues is attempting to inch his way into retirement and has decided to gently shuffle some of his work onto my plate as well.

So, come evening, I am as likely to find myself sitting at my laptop trying to do all the bits of work that I don't have time to do whilst actually at work. When I'm physically present, I work non-stop on making new pieces of scientific equipment work. New designs, documentation, test protocols, quotes for new work, revisions, or anything else that involves sitting at a computer? No time for that while at work, so I do it at home instead. And that leaves me with little time and energy for anything else.

On top of the absolute volume of work to complete, I'm also facing a horribly stressful situation at work that is keeping me awake at night. Every now and then I think I see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel, but it always turns out to be an oncoming train.

I was going to keep blogging, but I lack the time, or the inspiration to write.

I was going to have a pre-Christmas party, but I at least had the self-awareness to scrap that plan at the beginning of December. I'm thinking of a February party at this rate.

I was going to send Christmas presents to my family in plenty of time. They went yesterday.

I was going to make more felt toys for LittleBear for Christmas.

I was going to hem the curtains rather than leaving them held up with pins.

I was going to do so much.

Instead I'm at breaking point. My Christmas holiday starts tomorrow, and I'm not ready for it. I'm trying to smile and be excited for and with LittleBear, while inside my mind is raging, weeping, screaming and battering itself. I want the world to stop, just stop, and let me breathe, let me sleep, let me cry, let me regroup, let me be ready to wallow in my beautiful boy's joy and excitement and wonder. I guess I'll have to settle for going to bed early instead. It's all I've got.

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